If you really knew me. . .

There's a new show on MTV on Tuesday nights at 11pm that started a week or two ago i'm guessing? I haven't watched it till tonight because I didn't have anything else to do at 11pm.
It's kind of interesting.. The things these people are saying are so completely normal, things most of us had felt before, but never confess.. rarely to ourselves how certain things effect people and us.

I'm not sure if anyone ever reads this thing, probably not because I don't post it, so if anyones reading it, it's probably some random person who comes across it on the site... but I wanna try this with myself.

-If you really knew me you'd know I strive to be the best for my parents and somehow come out as the weak link. I don't try and compare myself to my sister because we've both has our wrongs and rights, but sometimes I feel like they don't realize how tame of a person I really am. Seeing where I am now, to what I was I feel i've come along way, and I don't ever get credit for it. But instead I feel like I get more and more greif about things that have happened in the past.. & they won't let it go.
-If you really knew me you'd know I don't trust a single person. I can see right through people, I can feel the lies coming out of peoples mouths, I can sense the truth that's not being told. I continuously have to play dumb in many situations because of other peoples lies, and it not only breaks me down but gave me this front I have on people today. As I have moved onto college in my own life it has gotten worse, & i continuously push people away.
-If you really knew me you'd know I don't call my best friend I've known since the 1st grade my 'best friend' anymore. It's probably a combination of the above statement and not living by eachother anymore but I don't think that's a fair enough excuse. If you really knew me you'd know I continuously try and talk to her, and be there for her, & when I ask her to be there for me she can't even give me a phonecall back. I'm sure we'll always be friends but I feel like we'll never be what we were, and while that makes me sick to my stomach saying it because we were so close... somethings you need to accept.
-If you really knew me you'd know my biggest fear is not having my Dad walk me down the aisle in my wedding because he won't be alive. I may have made this my fear because my Mom makes comments, but it has definately affected me.. You might hear me making jokes about it when she says those things but it breaks my heart. I always told myself if he wasn't there i'd have my Grandpa Chuck walk me down the aisle.. & he passed away 2 years ago, which is another reason why this fear has gotten bigger.
-If you really knew me you'd know the death of a friend has changed my life both negatively and positively. I thank God I learned something out of it, and can use it in my life, but i'm still stuck on those negative things... The What ifs. I know he's always here in spirit and i'll never forget him, but i'm not sure if I can ever forget why i'm asking myself what if?

Okay I can't do this anymore.

I guess my final thoughts on this is think about what you're saying before you say it, keep your relationships close, don't forget to let people know you care, be there for others as much as you can, don't hold grudges, and always remember... How would you like to see your life flash before your eyes with your last breath? If what you're living right now isn't that, change it.

Xo.